I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
