I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
