What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
