Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She bit a glass in half.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
