First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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