I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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