so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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