Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
