don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
