so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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