Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.