I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
