exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
