I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
