I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
