they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
