So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
