I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
