I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
