I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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