yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
