I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
either way he was missing a nipple.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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