He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
