He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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