I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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