carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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