and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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