hotel room ftw
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
