theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
