I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
