she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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