ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
you're hired as official boob wrangler
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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