She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
