I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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