it's not cheating when I paid for it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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