He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
