Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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