my phone needs a breathalizer
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
