Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's blow job season.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
