Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
