My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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