Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
