I murdered the dance floor call the cops
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
