I wish I could punch you in the face.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
