we have pet lesbian snakes
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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