i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
