Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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