Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
