Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
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and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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