I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
