I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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