one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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