I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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