no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.