9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
