his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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