Moan for me like Helen Keller
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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