my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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