No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
