Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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