What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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