Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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